Beginnings of a day

We wake before dawn, beating even the newspapers to the front steps. Before I realized I was out of my bed, I had already showered, and was stepping out into the cold Indiana Air. I like Indiana, it’s more urban than some of the places I’ve been, where two cars on a road constitutes severe congestion and a traffic jam. But I’m not happy here… in fact, unbeknownst to me, I’m about to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life.

The frozen air is nothing new, but touching my hair I realize it’s frozen. A cold brittleness that seems apt. I’ve been struggling with my team leaders. Though really its only one that leads and she astonishes me. Last week we were in St. Louis on our way here and she yelled “My authority comes from God.” Hoping to cow me into submission. I don’t cow. Earlier that night she approached a dialogue with me by these words “Lets talk about this [problem] so I can hear your concerns.” What she really meant became evident in her next breath. “We’ve already decided your punishment.” She didn’t want to hear my concerns, I knew that. She didn’t care. The authority structure on Net is defective. Pretenses about caring. They listen and have already decided. No one cares. They just like to feel as if they did.

My expectations that night were met. It was a sermon about why I was wrong. There was no concern for the list of problems I wrote down, nor for her failings in leadership that offended and hurt me. When they realized I had a list, annoyed, they asked me to read it off, then dismissed it entirely. They asked “why won’t you obey” I responded, you have not the authority. I would not cease my dissent from towing the line of a perverse leadership. I had rights and one is to be respected. “My authority comes from God” rang out. Shocked, the whole room went silent as aghast I didn’t know whether to laugh or perform an exorcism. Did she really just say that? Is that the substance of her argument? Is that it? A bloated egoism that could not fail? Yes she was serious, her face distorted by the elongated shadows hiding the ends of her lips and eyes. She was serious. My reasoning based upon Catholic tradition, based upon the catechism and Aquinas, the Popes and the Fathers, was met by a delirious fanatic that worshiped herself.